i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
