I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
