capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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