Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
