remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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