I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
