Jerry, you need to find god
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
