Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
worst night to have a conscience
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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