1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
