The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
