there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
