I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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