When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
