My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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