The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
