Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
