Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
