I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
