matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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