so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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