Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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