Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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