I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
