4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
