I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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