Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
