Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
