why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
