almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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