i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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