So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
