I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
