i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize