I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
