omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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