grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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