Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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