Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize