I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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