Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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