Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
