Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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