She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
