A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You've changed since you got that strap on
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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