someone threw a dead crab at me
i think my tv is drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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