I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
