i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
