Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
