In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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