Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
