I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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