You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
