We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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