i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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