tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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