Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you still have your period?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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