You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
