when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
