And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
