so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
