i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize