Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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